After a busy few days at work, the long weekend to watch Le Tour was about to start.
Thankfully, we had enough time to enjoy a lovely slow-cooked beef dish at Casa Parsons before we loaded up the Volvo with essential kit and bikes and leave Leeds for the 269 miles to Folkestone where we had a 01:20 train booked.
Knowing there was a small possibility of making an earlier train, the surprisingly quiet UK roads quickly helped us make the call to press on as much as we could while the going was good. Four and a half hours later, our first stop on the trip was to get our passports stamped at customs as we joined the queue for a 23:20 train.
Thursday 7 July
On French soil just before midnight, we again made the decision to press on as much as we could, taking turns to sleep while the other drove. The strategy was a roaring success and we enjoyed an 0600 pain au chocolate in the beautiful town of Dijon. After a quick wander, café in a square, obligatory mustard purchase, we were back on the road driving towards our accommodation in Belfort, 15 miles from the Swiss border.
Belfort is in a natural gap between the Vosges and Jura mountains, and as such has been a natural target for most advancing armies. To aid its defence, it is shadowed by an impressive Citadel, designed by Sebastian le Prestre, recognised as one of the most important military engineers in Western military history.
To recognise the town’s courage during the 103-day siege in the Franco-Prussian War, the citadel is now fronted with an enormous red sandstone Lion. At 22 metres long and 11 metres high, it is still France’s largest sculpture, and designed by non-other than Frederic Bartholdi, the sculptor of the Statue of Liberty… It’s amazing what you can learn while waiting for lunch to be served in a town square!
Friday 8 July
After a petit dejeuner of croissants and pain au chocolat on the balcony of a fantastic Airbnb on the river, we packed the car ready for a rapid post-stage evacuation, and set off on the bikes to pick up the route of Stage 7: Tomblaine to La Super Planche Des Belle Filles, this year’s first mountain top finish.
Exiting town on the impressive cycle paths was super easy and we quickly found ourselves on the stage route. Excitement was building, tarmac was painted, and fans of all ages were cycling to The Plank of Beautiful Girls! Only one problem: access to the climb was closed off by some very aggressive gendarmes. Our GCSE French was enough to learn that the road was closed to cyclists and if we wanted to ascend, we had to leave the bikes at the bottom and walk up. However, this wasn’t what we had come for, so we decided to bypass Bergerac and his goons by finding an alternative route onto La Planche.
After riding on for 800 metres, we embraced our ‘inner cyclocrosser’ and scaled the side of the mountain up a 45° slope covered in trees and rocks. With bikes on shoulders and a major struggle climbing the steep slope in cleats, we were helped up onto the road by French fans impressed by our goat-like abilities, appearing half a mile up the climb out of sight of the Pink Panthers!
Not long after we started riding the 7km at 8.8% gradient, Snips was out of sight as I plugged away, regretting my decision not to lose weight or train for the weekend away! Despite the hurt, being cheered on by thousands of expectant fans made it all a little easier, and for fleeting moments you get a glimpse of what it must be like for a real rider to race up the hill… most likely it’s twice as loud and twice as fast… but I bet they didn’t enjoy a Flammekuerche and sausage with a few beers the day before while reading about a rock lion!
Once at the top, we downed a beer with lunch before finding a good spot to watch the pros pass…with a cheeky Heiny to help pass the two hours to race arrival.
It is now custom that on completion of a mountain stage, the racers don a jacket, grab a whistle (a trend started by US Postal) to warn beer drinking fans, and whizz back down the mountain in search of their team bus. Once the voiture balai had passed, we hopped on the bike and joined the pros and fans whistling down the mountain. Managing to get on the wheels of a Lotto and Movistar rider who were clearing the way with their whistles, it was amazing to get incredibly close to the riders and see how good they are on their bikes. We thought we were descending like demons, only to look up and see they were riding one handed, sipping on recovery shake and chatting about the stage, all whilst weaving in and out for drunk fans.
Back at the car, we loaded up and drove four hours to Morzine, arriving the right side of midnight and clocking 1000.5 miles since leaving Leeds.
Saturday 9 July
The first two climbs of Col d’Ecrenaz and the Col de la Renaz were tough but we had the pleasure of a glorious view of Mont Blanc on the descent. The thought of a nice lunch in Taninges before the final challenge of the Joux Plane kept us going. But, we’d barely sat down in a quaint restaurant by the river before slow service was spotted and we were back on the bikes in search of a supermarket. This turned out to be a genius move, as GK who was coming back via a slightly easier pass still hadn’t been given a menu 30 minutes later.
Half a ripped pain, stuffed with ham and cheese slices, moistened with squeezy mayo (butter is impossible without a knife) in the carpark of Taninges SuperU wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but it might just be the best sarnie I’ve ever had.
The Joux Plane… Christ almighty that is some climb! 11.6km and 1,691m of ascent. Snips once again engaged his natural power and was quickly out of sight, dancing up the climb at an average of 285W!!! For a man the same size two Alberto Contadors he shouldn’t be able to ride uphill as fast as he does and I’ve already been in contact with the UCI to instigate a doping probe.
The struggle was over in just over an hour for Snips, before I collapsed at the top ten minutes later. After a beer at the top and big ring engaged, we averaged 29 mph back to Morzine down a beautifully flowing road with lots of wide-open corners peppered with few hairpins that got brake discs so hot they sizzled when our water bottles dripped on them. See https://videos.kinomap.com/en/watch/6zsnjk
Sunday 10 July
The Lytham lads had a guide for the day and set off bight and early for what would be a brutal day on the bike. Thankfully, Snips and I had an easier day, despite needing to ride 25 miles with 3,225ft of climbing to get to the stage finish at Châtel. In our way was the Col du Corbier, a pesky 2.86 mile climb averaging 8.6%. Yesterday’s ride had broken us, so, soon after summiting we found a lunch spot and devoured a fantastic burger washed down with Orangina before riding the final few km’s to the finish line.
After a second lunch our cycle down the mountain to a viewing spot was prevented by some very forceful gendarmes, so we settled for an elevated slope at around 1km to go. Snips, always looking for corporate social responsibility activities, decided to help with Châtel in Bloom’s endeavours and de-nettled a large piece of embankment before sitting down to wait for the race to arrive.
The caravan took great delight in firing goodies at the two English blokes, perilously clinging onto a 45° slope, now only partially covered in weeds…little did they know we had honed our climbing abilities on the Planche des Belles Filles and managed to acquire a bountiful supply of casquettes and washing powder samples. Snips had spotted a fan’s walking poles when we got into position, and in his finest Frenglish, bartered two sachets of washing powder, an Asterix colouring book, and a Total Energie key ring in exchange for the temporary loan of one of the poles, creating what can only be described as the finest flag in France.
The pros soon arrived, strung out in single fine accelerating to the finish line and Yorkshire's Tom Pidcock was losing the wheel, until that is, he saw a man mountain, waving the white rose over the road shouting “play with his balls Pidders”. This was all the encouragement young Tom needed and he quickly closed the gap.
Race over, Snips led me back to Morzine for a snooze by the pool before enjoying the finest bars the town had to offer… where we decided the next awayday was going to be the Strada Bianchi Sportive 2024. Save the date chaps.
Monday 11 July
A long day in the car was made possible by selection of classic French road snacks before crossing the Channel and driving back up t’Yorkshire, reaching Leeds at 0100 Tuesday and me back to Ripon for 0200. A long but thoroughly enjoyable weekend.
